My soul is restless. It yearns for something more. I often wonder what that more is. Sometimes I think it’s a want of faith, although what faith I’m not sure. Dogmatic religion is like sandpaper against my heart. It’s not where I belong. But where, then? I’ve tried on Buddhism and Paganism, Quakerism, and Druidry. And although I’ve found beauty in each of them, they don’t wholly fit.

For a long while, three years in fact, I thought the answer lay in sobriety. If I could just master sobriety, I would be okay. Slowly but surely my relationship with alcohol and it’s friends did change. It no longer plays a central role in my life but is an occasional slip into the world of the old me. I thought I wanted rid of that completely, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve never had it stick completely. The flames of the past still burn, but I can’t quiet keep away. Someone told me my hearts not really in it, maybe they’re right.     

As I sat today, melancholic and confused, grateful for the beauty in my life, yet somehow still dissatisfied, I realised I need to broaden my view. Change it, in fact. Rewrite the script in my head and not see what I’ve come to know as a hole in my soul as damning, but a call to adventure. A reminder to stay curious, keep exploring, dance upon the waves of life rather than letting myself drown in them. It’s about more than seeking labels to define me, keep all my messy edges from spilling out, but rather to embrace the undefined and unknown. To jump headlong into healing and the magic of being.

As these words have spilled onto the page, I’ve started to feel lighter. The weight of existing isn’t as heavy. The anxiety isn’t as choking. Maybe this path is everything I’ve been looking for?

One thought on “Restless.

  1. Not sure if this is helpful but I thought I’d pass it along. This is from from Wayne Dyer – “If you stand on the top of a cliff and look down at the sea where a fast boat is traveling you can see the wake spreading out behind. If you did not know better you could assume the wake was driving the boat. But you do know better, you know the boat has an engine and a set of controls operated by a driver. The wake is just what the boat leaves behind as it moves forward.

    Substitute your life history for the boat’s wake and the metaphor is complete. Our history does not drive our life, it only looks like that sometimes. You are the driver, you have control of the engine, you can choose the speed and direction you take. You can follow a path based on your history or you can choose to do otherwise. Your history is what you leave behind.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s