This Restless Soul

This morning, I sat on the garden flagging staring at nothing in particular. On a three-day hangover and comedown, my head was haunted by one thought: how have I ended up here again?

Only a few weeks back I was sober and loving life. I’d gotten my 60-day keyring, had a lovely sponsor, was working the 12 steps, and was well on my way to building myself the life I’ve been chasing for the past three and a half years. So, how on earth was I back where I promised myself I wouldn’t be? Back in the madness and misery.

I could spend hour mulling over how and why. But in the end, it comes down to one simple question: is this where I want to stay? Stuck on this merry-go-round of hangovers, come downs, sober stints, back into grey area drinking, before falling all the way down the rabbit hole back to cocaine benders that leave me financially and spiritually ravaged. Fooling everyone, including myself, that I’ve mastered sobriety, until the next breath when it’s ‘drinking will be different this time.’ Self-sabotaging the moment peace and serenity make an appearance. Building my mental health up only to knock it back down.

No, that is not where I want to stay. I want to spend my life living in alignment with my values. I want to look forward to the day and welcome the sunshine, not desperately try to shut it out because the night bled into the morning. I want to enjoy long walks with the dog, eat gorgeous food, plan full, productive days. Move forward yet remain present. Not spend hours being sick, meekly picking at a shite take-aways, cancelling plans to hide under the duvet.

So, this is it. I surrender. I cannot live like this anymore. I choose freedom.

I know it won’t be easy. There is a long road of recovery ahead. But I also know it will be so unbelievably worth it.

Let the journey begin.